Jupiter Ascending (2015)

Plot summary (story synopsis): Chamber maid Jupiter Jone's (Mila Kunis) ordinary life is thrown into chaos when space aliens come to kill her. Hired gun Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) saves her and continues to protect her as she journeys to claim her inheritance as owner of Earth, fighting off her evil relatives Balem (Eddie Redmayne) and Titus (Douglas Booth) along the way.

***

Jupiter Ascending is an odd mix of gorgeous visuals (production design, lighting and special effects are pretty), conventional space opera (decadent, incestuous galactic empire royalty) and kiddie cartoon. With Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum in the lead roles, I was expecting the filmmakers to target the same audience as Hunger Games and Divergent. I gave the Hollywood MBAs too much credit. 

Yes, the movie's main failing is that its story is written for 12-year-olds. It's a mismatch. Older teens will not be impressed while kids will not be interested in the Jupiter-Caine romance. Hardcore Star Wars fans (Star Wars is space opera) will look down on its consistently kiddie feel.

Think I'm exaggerating? Sean Bean doesn't die in this movie (he plays Stinger, Caine's friend). This conclusively proves that this is a kiddie movie.

It's possible for a kiddie movie to interest adults too. Just look at Frozen. But Jupiter Ascending has the cliched plot of a Saturday morning cartoon episode. No original ideas, no satire or jokes for the adults.

There are bits of Terminator (you almost expect Caine to tell Jupiter, Come with me if you want to live), Men in Black (aliens secretly on Earth), V (aliens harvesting humans), Brazil (bureaucracy) and maybe Stargate. But these don't come off as fun tributes, just lazy copycatting.

And ugh, there's the politics too. Jupiter Jones is an illegal immigrant. Way to bang the amnesty drum, guys.

Written and directed by the Wachowski siblings (who used to be brothers but are now brother and sister), this is in no way close to the quality of their The Matrix. The action sequences here are muddled and too long. The first gun fight involving Caine is confused - it's hard to know who is doing what to whom.

Some of the other fights are better (there's a beautiful aerial dogfight over Chicago) but still lack impact.

Like Michael Mann's Blackhat, Jupiter Ascending is a reminder that all directors are fallible. I wish I didn't care so much about movies.